Midnight Dance

“And to what drove him to take his mortal step,

Was lost along with the air of his last breath.”

                                                                          -The Haunting of the Lost

10-nov-05

Apartment, 11:59pm

             I look at the sky from the patio of my apartment like I always do. The night is shaded a dark blue. I look down from 8 floors above the ground. The wind blows upon my face – an eerie chill. I grasp the railings of the terrace. Drawing closer to the calling winds, I close my eyes…. Midnight strikes. I go back inside the house. I go to bed.

11-nov-05

Apartment, 7am

             The alarm rings. I reached for it and turned it off. 7 am. I get up and head for the bathroom to wash my face. I see my self in the mirror: Gloomy, half-asleep, eyesore. I wash my face. I brushed my teeth. I prepare to go to school. I walk out the door.

Street, 7:45am

             I walk to school – which is 30 minutes walk away from my house. I didn’t have breakfast. I’ll be late.

School, 8:15am

             I arrive at the classroom 15 minutes late. Everyone looks at me with scathing faces. Even the professor gives me a grim look. I ignore them and walk to my seat. The other students are like shark in bloody water; if you get too close they’ll eat you whole. Like wolves, you can’t trust them. I try not to be very sociable.

School, 12:07pm

             Lunchtime. The other students eat their lunches inside the room. The others go out. I stare blankly at the whiteboard. A classmate approaches me; the girl with a ponytail asks why I am not eating lunch…. I look at her – she looks as if containing her laughter. “If you would want to make fun of someone, don’t pick me.” I thought. I ignore her, get up from my seat and leave the room.

I buy lunch and eat up on the rooftop. The gentle breeze brushes upon my black crew cut hair. The clouds block the beating rays of the midday sun. A memory flashes back…. I shake off the appalling remnants of the past. I leave my food unfinished and head back to the classroom.

School gate, 5pm

             Class is over for today. I walk away from the horrendous structure. Many cliques and lovers walk alongside me. I give out a deep sigh. I managed to survive another loop of my daily routine. Time to leave this den of wolves.

Supermarket, 6pm

             I buy groceries from the supermarket. The line is quite long for a Friday afternoon. I don’t mind the line. In front of me waits a family of three. The couple and their son – about 3 years old – cheerfully wait in line. The father plays with her son who is sitting on the grocery cart. The mother lovingly laughs with the two most special men in her life. They seem very happy. I stare at them longingly; Sharing their laughter in silence – Covetously. Until they leave the store I stare at the family; fixing my look on them as they walk by the glass pane. The cashier coughs to call my attention. It was my turn now. I put all my groceries on the counter. I leave the store as soon as the food is bagged. I head home.

Apartment, 7pm

             I eat right after preparing dinner. Put my dishes on the sink. I go out to the patio again. I think. I reminisce all that happened throughout the day. Everything is just the same as always. My life has been just an endless and empty loop of events. It is only the weather that changes.

I look down on the street, people still walking by: Tens, Hundreds, Thousands of them walk here everyday including Cars bustling through the city streets. From here, they look small; from 8 floors above the ground. Can they see me? Can they feel my pain? Can anyone save me from this endless void of senselessness called life?

11:45pm

The sky is cloudy, unlike last night, though still colored a deep dark blue hue. The wind blows on my pale brown cheeks – an eerie, gloomy chill. I’ve been standing here for hours… Thinking, asking myself the same questions… pondering, waiting for them to be answered… Uttering, repeating lamentations hoping that someone would hear... I want to escape. I want to end this misery. I want to end this pain.

11:58pm

I grasped the rails of my open porch. Slowly, I lift my feet to step at the ridge. Now, there is nothing in between the wind and me. I look down. The cold ground awaits. I draw near to the howling winds. I turn my eyes to the building across the street, 30-40 meters away or so, 8 floors above the ground. A woman stands on the edge patio – just like me. Prepared to let go at anytime – a woman, beautiful with her velvety-black hair swaying in tune to the hustling gale, looks at me. Was she there all that time? Her eyes met mine, I know. And I see in those eyes… I see my sorrow reflecting from her eyes. She feels my misery. She hears my cries. She shares the same pain I feel. My griefs, in seeing someone who at least understand how I feel, begin to falter… fade.

I look at her eyes. I was mesmerized by them. I feel her sorrow and she feels mine, we were like dancing. Letting go of all the frustrations and madness of this nonsensical cliché called life. I trace my steps. I climbed up the rails back to the safety of the terrace.

12-nov-07

12am

             Midnight strikes. I turn to look at my partner across the street. She still stands along the edge of the porch, looking at me. I want her to do the same and turn back. Like two lovers dancing the waltz, we stare at each other. She smiles at me… peacefully.  Then, she lets go.

             Her body soars 8 floors down. The merciless ground catches her. I was stunned. In my shock, I picked up the phone and called for an ambulance, in hopes of saving her.

Hospital 12:30am

             The ambulance came quickly. We took the woman to the hospital. Hoping for anything, I wait for the doctor’s findings.

The doctor came out of the emergency room. He asks me if I am related to the woman. I said no. He asks if I am an acquaintance of some sort. Again the same answer. I ask what her condition is. He tells me grimly: She was dead upon arrival. I can’t speak. He handed me a book that was tucked inside the woman’s clothes. It was her diary. I read the last entry, it says:

             “Today I saw the man from the building across the street again. He looked very sad as usual. I wonder why… I hope I can at least share his pain. Save him from his grief.  Feel his sorrow. Maybe if I do that… He won’t feel so miserable. “

             Tears fell instantaneously. She saved me. She DID save me from the void. She died in my place just to ease my troubled heart.

She was the only one to understand me… Why did she have to die?! I blame myself for everything! It’s all my fault!

             My silent sobbing echoes throughout the hall, a hand wiped my tears. I look up. It was my partner, in all white. I stood up to embrace her, my unknown partner.  We danced one last time before she vanished before my very eyes.

RECOLLECTIONS

Time passes by without fail. It somehow left me wondering, Whta have i become all this time? 10 years. 10 wasted years of my life wandering an endless search for freedom, love, and self worth. To think that it has gotten me this far, and sunk me this low, i'm still in search for it.

Every now and again, ive been thinking, what would the world be without me in it? Try as i may to say that it would be a better, or even a worse place with me in it, all i am left with is an answer that tells me: "Nothing will change". Whether i exist or not makes no difference. It's sad to realize that i'm only one of the eight billion people in the world, and as to what becomes of me means nothing.

That's why ive wasted 10 years of my life trying to give meaning to my existence. I wanted the world to see my significance. That i am important. That i am of worth. I wanted the world to appreciate all my actions. What i have become. I wanted to be loved. wished for recognition. I drenched myself in the deluge of pleasing others and winning their hearts. I saw myself amidst the sea of many faces... without even realizing  that i didnt know how to swim. I didnt notice that i was overly bathing myself with my desires that i was drowning in it.

To my surprise, all my actions led me to sink down to the abyss of the dillemma of self centeredness, self-righteousness, and self neglect. And i am stuck in this quagmire, this black morass. All the people i expected to be there for me. They all left. And though i thought that i have influenced so much people. Though i thought that i was nearing the realisation of my dreams, i only found myself alone. i had nothing. I barely have myself.

I'm trapped within the confines of my heart held by the bars of my sins, and the locks of my guilt. The things i wanted to have: respect, recognition, freedom, worth, warmth, love.. it seems only but a dream.. an impossible dream

LUSTER-LOST EYES

For many years I've been here... sitting. Waiting. Watching. As the sun beat down my olden face finding shade only under a former branch of a popular fast food chain. What it has now become is unknown to me, to concern myself with that matter is needless. My mind is set only to find ways to satisfy my grumbling stomach.

That's why I wait... for someone to give me some food. Money. Scraps... alms. Waiting for the students to come and practice their day-to- day rituals. Eating quail eggs and puffing cigarettes. Cutting their classes and hanging out. Here. What an odd place to hang out. Certainly time passed me by already, I don’t understand the youth anymore.

The bell rings. Another class ends at the university across the street. At last, an even larger crowd will come out and flock on the stalls; another chance to collect plastic cups and sticks to sell. What a shameful way to live. If not by alms, It's collecting garbage and selling it back to the ones who threw it. But it's the only way to fill my aching stomach. That's why I can’t blame myself for doing this.

The numbers grow. Students from different walks of life. They all look different but they all look familiar. They're the same faces I see everyday. The same faces who enjoy devouring quail eggs and eating smoke. It's as if an escape from reality. A haven only theirs; A place where they feel safe. Feel wanted.

There’ one student who stands out from them. Tall well built boy. I know him. His confidence and energy is unlike the others who I see everyday. He’s also one of those who stay here from morning ‘til the street lights go on. I don’t understand. The first time I saw him was six years ago. Back then, he was carrying a long stick and a cylinder behind him. Engineering, I thought. He was full of hope. It didn’t show, not noticeable, yet in his eyes I saw it.

I don’t understand. It’s been six years. The boy should have graduated by now. He’s changed. He’s been a different person. The once timid boy became this loud mouthed, energetic kid. He laughs out loud but his eyes were empty. It’s luster, lost like his passion. The hope I’ve seen in those deep dark eyes… was gone. I see only emptiness.

He carried his long ruler and his cylindrical tube until last year. Until said date, he was with a new group. A group of new faces. I don’t understand.

Last year, I think it was the last months of school. The year when he was supposed to graduate. I saw him walking out the school gate behind a woman. She was crying. She was his mother. The woman weeps her heart out… in front of many… how absurd… I don’t know the reason, but somehow I know that those tears she shed weren’t tears of joy. They were full of pain. Anguish. Tears due to betrayal. Deceit. The boy tried to comfort her mother, yet his was empty words. His eyes were blank. Insincere.

I didn’t quite understand. Why was her mother crying knowing that her son would be graduating? I didn’t quite understand completely. That is, until this year’s first day of classes. I didn’t expect to see him this year, especially in his light gray uniform. I finally understood.

Whatever do the students find in that place? That certain spot. Where the stalls vend their goods beside the gymnasium, under the shade of bushes is still unknown to me. Is it so good there that it is worth not graduating for? Maybe they find peace there. A place of sanctity.

Regardless, to concern myself of such thoughts will only starve me more. The sun is almost setting. I should get to collecting scraps. I skipped breakfast and lunch. And if I don’t sell enough, probably I won’t get to eat today. I had only a few coins worth of alms. It wouldn’t make for a hot meal.

The students start to shrink in numbers. Another day is done.